Youth Workin' It

Consultancy and Resources for Youth Workers and Organizations Worldwide

A Young Person Regrets Getting Married – What Should They Do?

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Youth Marriage Divorce
Image courtesy of elizabethps, Flickr

This week’s Q & A question has a lot of potential for good discussion. We received an email with the following question:

Q: “Most youth start cohabiting, ignore grown ups and end up in unplanned marriage which later doesn’t work. What should the youth do once the mistake is done carry the cross or try to persuade and return home (which also raises the question how does the youth manage the return home)?” (I appreciated that this question came from one of our global readers and left the question as it was written.)

Basically, it seems to me that the question at hand is, if a youth is living with someone and gets married at a young age, should they stay in the marriage even if it’s not a good match, or should they leave and try to return home to their parents… and if so, how can they be supported in returning home after making mistakes and/or living on their own.

A: This is a really weighted question with several key points to think about.

Personal vs. Professional Values

As a youth worker, you’re in the position to give advice, support and guidance to young people. However, you also need to be aware of your own values, morals and standards and how those impact on your youth work. For some, personal and professional values cannot be separated and therefore they choose to work in environments in which they can have little or no conflict in their values. For others, it’s a constant struggle trying to align what you think is right in your personal life with what you believe is right as a youth worker to share or not.

Personally, you may view living together before marriage and/or divorce as wrong. Professionally, you need to decide, ‘Am I going to voice my strong dissent before a youth gets into what I consider to be a bad situation, or am I going to let them make their own choices? Then, either way, am I willing to support the youth through their decision?’

I believe the key is sharing your opinion and advice in a way that doesn’t railroad a youth into your point of view – emotive language is a very manipulative way to get a young person to see your point of view. Give them both sides of the argument and allow them to ask you ‘What do you think?’. That way, the door is open for you to be honest about your concerns and reservations in a way that still leaves your professional relationship open. This means that you can still offer support and advice in the future, no matter what decision the teen makes.

Two Wrongs Don’t Always Make A Right

I often feel this way when I hear phrases like ‘Well, she’s pregnant, now they need to the “right thing” and get married.’ The choices have been made, the surprise is on his/her way; how does locking two people into a legal – and for some, spiritual – contract help the situation become fixed?

How does one ‘forever decision’ (like marriage, getting pregnant, etc.) help fix another ‘forever decision’ (like having a baby, having sex for the first time, etc.)? It doesn’t.

Should a youth that got married at a young age be forced to remain in a marriage that is loveless, or worse, abusive simply because divorce is against your personal values as a youth worker? No.

But if you do believe that marriage is a ‘forever decision’ and therefore should be kept together at all costs, what can you do to support the young people in the marriage? Are caring adults working with them to help guide and support them? Have they tried – really tried – counseling? Are they fighting over financial problems; if so, can you help signpost them to the necessary supports to relieve that stress?

I’m not advocating divorce or marriage here; I’m asking in your situation, based on your personal and professional values and your relationship with the youth, what should you be doing? Should you be advocating for one thing or the other, or just providing information that can help the youth make a more informed decision about their options.

Additionally, what are the young person’s values on the subject? Simply because you don’t see marriage as a ‘forever decision’, doesn’t mean that they don’t and they may want your help to make their marriage work. Are you willing to help them work through their issues, even if you think getting married young is a huge mistake?

Support At Home

Should the youth return home? I guess that really depends on the home, the youth, the parents and the situation.

It can be hard moving home with family after a youth has been on their own, making their own decisions, running their own life and household. It would take a lot of love, grace and patience on everyone’s part to make moving home a good option after a young marriage (or even just a co-habitation relationship) has fallen apart.

This can be especially tricky if the parents were against the relationship from the start. Youth will need to be prepared for some feedback on their life choices. Not all families are willing to just forgive and forget. They will want to bring up and throw mistakes in the face of the youth again and again (based on their own hurt at having their great advice ignored in the first place). Usually all the feedback comes from a place of love, but it isn’t always expressed in the most loving way and could strain the relationship between the youth and parents.

Questions: What do you think should happen in this situation? Should youth be encouraged to stick out a marriage or other serious relationship and, if it doesn’t work out, should they go home? We’d love to hear your feedback in the comments below.

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How I Dealt With Youth Behavior Issues

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Youth Behavior Issues
Success! Here’s the solution to the problem we had last week

Last week I posed my own question that I needed an answer to:

Q: What do you do when you feel like you’ve tried everything with a group but the youth still have behavior issues? What suggestions do you have for my specific situation?

Thank you to everyone who offered advice and suggestions. They were all useful and valid suggestions and I appreciate you taking the time to interact and join in the discussion. I’d like to share the suggestions so that other youth workers in a similar situation can get more ideas from other experienced youth workers on the topic – because I know I’m not the only one with this problem sometimes.

Suggestion 1

A guest commenter who’s the wife of a youth pastor, a volunteer youth worker at her church and a social worker by education and experience suggested spending time with the leader of the group, maybe through tutoring or mentoring. The relational capital that’s developed through that one-to-one time can be key in the youth later being a leader and resulting in positive behaviors instead of negative ones.

Suggestion 2

Another suggestion came from a Twitter Follower who’s a writer, missionary and teacher with a passion for youth work overseas. He suggested that the group may need more ownership, something that we feel really strongly about here at Youth Workin’ It, but can also sometimes be challenging depending on the climate you’re working in. We agree with the commenter and it’s our assertion that as much ownership as you can provide to the youth should be given and it will inevitably improve youth behavior.

Suggestion 3

A few final suggestions came from Sam (The Teenage Whisperer), a youth justice worker whose work we love and respect immensely. She also regularly makes our youth work blog posts of the week list because she has a lot of great suggestions for working with youth. (Check out her site and subscribe to her blog – seriously, she’s great!)

Sam really emphasized the importance of individual work like our first commenter to help set the tone and work through possible emotional issues in a private setting. She also advised to be careful when trying so many approaches simply because you need something to work. It can cause youth, particularly vulnerable / at-risk youth to feel uncomfortable and / or unsafe emotionally.

Update

These were all excellent suggestions which is why I’ve included them here, so I don’t want any misunderstanding that I don’t think all of these ideas were fantastic simply because I didn’t use them, or have feedback regarding their use with this particular group.

It’s always so hard when you’re trying to describe what’s happening in a group, and I’ll be honest, I usually like to work things out on my own. I’m definitely very independent when it comes to my youth work practice and even offering it out for advice was a huge step in my professional development.

I’ve suggested individual work and meetings with the school since the beginning of our professional relationship, but unfortunately it’s just not possible at this time. There are definitely some home issues, race issues, ethnicity issues, authority issues and much more that I can see in the group and I’d love more time to work with the youth individually.

I would also love to give the youth more ownership and already give them as much as is possible within the group. However, the evidence-based curriculum I’m tasked with working through, as well as the school environment, are not conducive to the kind of youth participation I’d ideally like to see happening. I will say as well that the curriculum we’re using is great – I’ve suggested some of the approaches to other youth workers and it was very successful.

Finally, I definitely agree with the point about changing tactics. While I do try a lot of different things, I don’t believe that it has been unnerving to the group, but I will definitely keep monitoring it in case it is having a bigger impact than expected.

So… what did I do? My initial instinct with every group is team building, but because of the tight schedule and the curriculum, I didn’t do any on the first day as I usually do. Therefore I thought, it’s definitely time for some team building activities – particularly ones that cause them to work towards a common goal like the mat turn, barnyard animals and sharks in custard.

Challenge

Here’s the challenge with that – they’re mean to each other all the time. Even in P.E. when they’re on the same team, they hate on each other. How could I introduce an activity that was 100% guaranteed to cause strife, anger, tears, comments, bullying, etc.?

I’ve been working this whole time on trying to get them to self-regulate, self- problem solve and self-reflect. So what could I try that would help them self regulate AND mean that we could have some positive success at team building games?

The Answer!

The answer is the humble clothes pin.

I gave each young person three clothes pins – I also gave myself three. We pinned them on ourselves where ever we wanted. I explained that we would be playing some team building games and that in order to play, they had to keep at least one clothes pin. If they lost all of their clothes pins, they would have to sit out for the remainder of the session to do work.

The ways they could lose their clothes pins included verbal or non verbal communication that was blaming, threatening, name calling or exaggerating (the road blocks to bridge building that they’ve been learning about in the sessions.)

There was also a way to earn a clothes pin back through extraordinary examples of kindness and team work.

I was very strict. At first, several students lost a clothes pin. Even the youth who don’t ‘normally’ get in trouble (yeah, we had to avoid a few tears with those ones) lost a clothes pin or two. One youth who really struggles with his behavior, and more specifically his facial expressions, lost two of his three clothes pins in the first 10 minutes…

However… they all started to self-regulate their comments and provide positive encouragement. I praised and praised even the smallest examples of team work and patience.

They were all able to participate the whole time (which worked out well since the mat turn took 40 minutes!). They were rewarded with a communication and team building game that involves candy.

Result

Everyone had a great time – including me! We reflected as a group at the end and everyone agreed that the session was a huge success. I was careful to draw the connection between their improved communication and relationships, rather than just that it was a ‘fun game day.’

Several youth commented on how much they enjoyed having the clothes pins to help remind them about their actions and words. One even suggested that we cut back on the clothes pins next week down to two and then the final week to one so that everyone had to work harder and the entire group agreed! I will be providing extra clothes pins to those that will still need them though – everyone isn’t at the same place or learns at the same pace as we know.

As I was leaving, I encouraged them to keep using their strategies for solving conflicts and to pretend they still had their clothes pins on; to think through what they want to say and then think about whether or not Ms. Shae would take a clothes pin for such a comment.

I’ll see the group this week and am hoping that it’s been a positive week as they begin to learn how to work together as a team. Thanks again for your advice!

Question: Do you have any youth work questions or problems that you need answers or advice for? Let us know in the comments below or contact us here.

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I Need Your Help With Youth Behavior Issues!

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Youth behavior issues
This week, we have a question for you!

Usually we use our posts on Tuesdays to answer your youth work and youth ministry questions. We’ve had the opportunity to answer a lot of questions over the past 18 months and we appreciate that you keep reaching out, sending in your questions and engaging in the discussion. However, just because we share what’s worked for us doesn’t mean we don’t ever have questions of our own.

This week’s ‘youth work Q’ is about a group of youth that I’m working with and I could really use some suggestions on how to deal with these youth behavior issues because I’m all tapped out. Below I’ll share all that I can about the situation and what I’ve already tried, but I’d love for you to provide as many ‘A’s’ as possible from your own experiences.

About The Group

The group consists of ten young people in a school setting; they’re approximately 11 years old and there are slightly more boys than girls. We’ve been working through an anti-bullying / pro-social communication curriculum for about eight weeks.

The group has challenging behavior issues, mainly in how they treat one another. They’re verbally and emotionally cruel to each other. They struggle to work as a group, no matter how the groups are created / divided. They have no patience with one another and no grace. They have some problems with bullying and targeting of certain members of the group, which is why I was asked to come. Each have at least one friend within the group, although some are more isolated than others.

What I’ve Done So Far

I have a group agreement in place along with the schools behavior policy. I’ve used praise with the youth. Over the weeks, I’ve tried to be conversational, informal, funny, stern, formal, goofy and serious in my approach. Currently, nothing is working.

We’ve done games, activities and discussions about feelings, conflict resolution strategies and bridge building. I tried a fan mail activity which is usually very effective in helping youth see the positive in one another without any great success – several even asked if they could throw it away afterwards (a first in the 8 years I’ve been using the activity). I’ve done large groups, small groups, pairs and individual work and nothing seems to be working.

I’ve been giving the group time to share their feelings in a safe and honest space, while still monitoring their behavior for bullying / exclusionary language (verbally and bodily) – which for many seems to be a new activity. A few are now very emotional about what has been shared by their group mates and yet they are unable or unwilling to change their behavior or express their own feelings appropriately.

My Question

I don’t expect miracles in 8-10 weeks of groups, but some change in their behaviors, patterns and group dynamics would generally be expected at this point in the group process. So my ‘Q’ to you is this:

Q: What do you do when you feel like you’ve tried everything with a group but the youth still have behavior issues? What suggestions do you have for my specific situation?

A: Please provide your answers and suggestions in the comments below – thanks!

 

How To Plan A Scavenger Hunt

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How To Plan A Scavenger HuntQ: Can you give me any advice on how to plan a scavenger hunt? I’m wanting to organize one, but I’ve never planned one or run youth group activities off-site before.

A: There are many different types of scavenger hunt, so there are also many different ways to plan one.

However, here are 12 steps that should help no matter what kind you choose.

1. Themes

The first step is to pick a theme, as it will influence what the players have to find or the tasks that they have to complete. The theme could be based on:

2. Items or Tasks

Decide whether you want players to find items or perform tasks. Traditional scavenger hunts involved giving players a list of items they had to physically collect, but having youth complete tasks means that you can get them to perform all kinds of funny tasks if you want.

3. Type of Scavenger Hunt

The next step is to decide how the youth should complete the scavenger hunt. There are three main types:

  • Collect – Players have to collect all the items on a list
  • Photo – Players have to take photos of items or tasks being completed
  • Video – Players have to take videos of tasks being completed

I tend to prefer photo and video scavenger hunts for a few reasons:

  • There’s less of an issue with budgets as players won’t need to buy any items
  • You can be more flexible with the items and tasks to include
  • It increases the chance for youth to be creative and funny
  • The photos and videos can provide long-lasting memories, plus you can use them for promoting your youth group and future events

4. Pick a Location

Next, choose where you want to hold the scavenger hunt. Malls are a great location, but they can also be done in your neighborhood, in your local town, etc.

Alternatively, if some or all of your youth drive (or if you have enough volunteers who can drive them), you can also choose to have no set location. With this option, you can let them go anywhere they need to in order to find the items or perform the tasks.

5. Safety

As you’re planning the scavenger hunt off-site, take the safety of your youth into consideration. Here are a few suggestions for how to do this:

  • Driving – if youth will be driving, try and have a volunteer in the car with them to ensure they don’t speed or drive dangerously in a race to complete the list
  • Permission slips – As you won’t be in your normal youth group meeting place, make sure you get their parent’s authorization. See our post on how to create a youth group permission slip for ideas
  • Boundaries – Ensure the youth are clear about the playing area for the scavenger hunt. For example, make the parking lot off-limits in a mall scavenger hunt so that there’s no danger of them running behind reversing cars
  • Volunteers – Try to have at least one volunteer with each team of young people. This not only helps with safety, but provides a good opportunity for relationship building

6. List

Put together a list of items or tasks (or a mixture of both) for teams to complete. Give each team a copy and give them a penso they can cross off each item or task as they find it / complete it.

Even when organizing item scavenger hunts, we also like to include bonus tasks for teams to complete. These will usually be funny tasks or require some element of creativity. For example, tasks we’ve used before have included:

  • I can’t believe we all fit in here!
  • Sitting on Santa’s knee
  • Lay on the floor in a public place and spell out a word using your bodies

7. Resources

Make sure all the players / teams have all the resources they need, like:

  • Scavenger hunt lists
  • Pens
  • Cameras (cell phones should be OK)

8. Time Limit

Set a time limit that teams need to have collected the items / completed the tasks by. To encourage them to return promptly, penalize teams 1 point for every minute that they’re late – let them know this in advance.

9. Meeting Place

In addition to specifying a time they need to be completed by, also let teams know where they need to meet at the end. This might be in the food court of a mall, your church or community center, etc.

10. Rules

Specify any additional rules for your scavenger hunt. In particular, emphasize any expectations you have for their behavior. Remind them of what they’ve previously committed to if they’ve signed a group agreement.

You can also find some suggestions for scavenger hunt rules here – many of the rules will be applicable even if it’s not played at a mall.

11. Points

Let teams know how the scavenger hunt will be scored. If you’re planning on having them complete tasks, will certain tasks attract more points based on the level of difficulty?

Similarly, if there are bonus items or tasks that they need to find or perform, give them an idea as to how you’re planning on scoring them. Will points be awarded based on creativity, how funny they are, if they got members of the public involved, etc?

12. Slideshows

If you’ve decided to plan a video or photo scavenger hunt, one of the best parts is seeing each other’s photos and videos. Therefore, try to incorporate time to watch all of these at the end – this is usually the funniest and most memorable part of youth group activities like this!

Scavenger Hunt Ideas

Now that you know how to plan a scavenger hunt, take a look at our separate site – called Scavenger Hunt – for loads of ideas, many of which can be easily tailored for youth groups. We also have 10 ideas on this site specifically for teenagers.

You may also like our book – 52 Scavenger Hunt Ideas. All of these ideas were written with youth groups in mind and each one includes lists that you can photocopy as many times as you like.

Question: What other steps do you include when planning scavenger hunts? Let us know in the comments below.

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10 Questions To Ask A Youth Retreat Center

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Youth Retreat CenterQ: I’m planning a youth retreat for the first time and am looking at a few different retreat centers. There doesn’t seem to be much difference between them, so do you have any ideas for how to narrow them down?

A: I’m assuming you’ve already taken into account the overall cost, on-site activities and the location of the center, as those will tend to be three of the main factors to bear in mind.

That being the case, here are 10 questions that it’s worth asking the youth retreat center. These might seem like little things, but they could give you a better idea of which location will best suit what you have planned.

  1. Is internet available? If you’re needing to get online, a retreat center with no internet access for your group could be problematic, particularly if it’s in the middle of nowhere as you may not get good 3G / 4G signal on your cellphone.
  2. Are there TV / DVD facilities? A center without these may mean it’s a no-go if you’re planning on having a movie night at the youth retreat.
  3. Is there a projector available? Assuming you’ll be having some kind of meetings, you may also need access to a projector. Does the center have one or would you need to bring a portable one with you?
  4. Can you have a camp fire? Time spent around a camp fire can be one of the most memorable parts of a youth retreat, so a center that forbids them might mean it immediately gets crossed off your list.
  5. Is bedding provided? If you’re camping, this might not be applicable. However, if you’re staying in dorm rooms, a cabin, etc, don’t assume that bedding will be provided – ask the question in case they expect you to bring sleeping bags or some other kind of bedding.
  6. Are meals provided? Although your list of centers appears to be similar, if one or more of them don’t include meals while another one does, the center with meals could prove to be far better value.
  7. Are snacks provided? Even if meals are included, are snacks also provided or would you need to bring these with you? Alternatively, are there vending machines on site so that youth can buy chips, candy or soda if they want?
  8. Will other groups be there? For a small youth retreat center, this may not be an issue. For larger locations though, there may be other youth groups there too – this might therefore restrict what facilities are available for you to use.
  9. Are there additional charges for on-site facilities? If there’s a pool, will you have to pay extra in order for the center to provide a lifeguard? If there are tennis courts, will you have to pay extra to use the center’s tennis rackets?
  10. What indoor facilities are there? If you’re planning lots of outdoor activities for the youth retreat, what options would you have if it rained? Is there an indoor hall where you could organize games, or would you be stuck either out in the rain or in dorm rooms?

It may be that not all of these questions will apply to your retreat, but hopefully some of them will help guide you in the decision you make.

We’ve also written a book called How To Plan A Youth Retreat – this covers all areas of retreat planning, including a chapter where we go more in depth about how to pick a youth retreat center. You can get a copy now from Amazon or a digital copy from us here.

Question: What other questions would be worth asking a retreat center to help you choose which one to use? Let us know in the comments below.

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