Youth Workin' It

Consultancy and Resources for Youth Workers and Organizations Worldwide

When Is Enough… Enough? My Personal Story Of Mentoring

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For those who have been reading our blog for some time, you’ve probably noticed two things we value (at least I hope you have!) – young people being able to make informed decisions and our personal faith – mainly expressed through living out love for all the young people we meet.

We’ve posted before about personal and professional values. How do you find that line? Are they one in the same? Can they overlap? Should they always be separate – especially if they push you to go above and beyond for the young people you are serving?

Today’s post is my own personal story about my personal and professional values. I’m not gonna lie – it’s a little bit of therapy for me. Despite that, I hope that you find it helpful for you in some way, whether it helps you reflect on your own situations and practice or helps you identify some of your own person feelings when it comes to youth work. Maybe it will help you know you’re not alone if you struggle with some of the same things I do.

For over a year I’ve been mentoring a young lady, we’ll call her ‘Anne.’ She is a beautiful young girl, inside and out. And she’s had it hard. Her sister passed away in the fall. Her sister was young and left behind two beautiful children. Anne’s family is very large and she has many siblings, and now, her nephews also live with her. Additionally, she started high school in the fall, a challenging transition for anyone, not to mention a teenage girl in grief.

I have gone from mentoring Anne to being a part of the family. We spend free time with them, we eat together, we laugh together and we cry together. I’ve even had the children stay the night to give mom a break. However, I’m also still Anne’s mentor which can create some tricky boundaries, particularly with mom. I want mom and I to be a team when it comes to Anne, but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries and yet, I’m so involved I can’t turn away – I love them too much and they are like family. My professional values dictate a certain level of professional distance. My personal values are to love, no matter how messy, how complicated, how confusing… just love like I’m called to, like I believe others have done for me.

I came into Anne’s life to try and help her through the sickness and passing of her sister. We’ve spent time together. We’ve had heart to hearts and fun – laughter and tears. We tried to get her on some trips and then just to finish the 9th grade. It has been a year of ups and downs. For every step Anne has taken it feels like she then takes six backwards.

Everyone has taken time and offered chance after chance and forgiveness. I’ve come to her home at all hours of the day and night to pick her up, take her friends home, visit, offer comfort, bring treats and surprises, etc. We’ve also had some consequences, like cancelling her service trip this summer due to a lack of school attendance. That in itself was a long agonizing decision – do I take her on the trip even though she’s making bad choices in the hopes that it completely transforms her, or does she have to take some responsibility and have some consequences to her increasingly wild behavior? In the end, I chose the latter with a lot of prayer and advice from other caring youth work professionals and she ended up having to do summer school for missing too much regular school.

Sadly, the behaviors are escalating: violence, skipping summer school, running away, staying out all night, sneaking out and much more. She is always incredibly respectful of me and my role in her life, and yet she hid from me the other day when I came by to pick her up from a very unsafe situation. My professional values say she’s in grief and testing the boundaries but she needs consequences as well. My personal values make me feel like I’m a trained lifeguard choosing to leave her in the ocean while she’s drowning in grief, loss and pain. And yet, I also personally feel hurt. I’ve tried to keep a professional head about it, she’s young I know that and young people do stupid and hurtful things – I know that too.

But she hid from me! The one person who is ALWAYS THERE and hasn’t given up on her. She texted a very out of character, slightly rude text to ME – MS SHAE!!! Doesn’t she know what I’ve done and sacrificed over this year for her and her family?!

Over the last year, she has seen my life very closely – she sees that I try to be who I am no matter where we are or what we are doing. She knows somewhere deep down inside that I love her unconditionally. She has experienced her own life (and seen her mother’s and sister’s lives, as well as those in her neighborhood) and knows what some of the choices she makes can do to her future chances. She has also now seen a very different life – a life without furniture, food security and personal safety.

Professionally, if I believe that young people can be guided to make informed decisions after they’ve seen the options, then I should stand by and / or stand back and let her make the choices she is going to make. And be there to help and support when I can.

Personally, that idea sickens me and breaks my heart. My faith is one of endless pursuit through excessive love, grace and mercy. I want to keep her safe and help her make the best choices, not throw her life away. 

And yet, I’m also very tired. Tired of hoping and being let down. Tired of putting myself out there and being hurt. Tired of making plans and guiding and supporting, just to have it thrown in my face.

I also know that goes with the territory of working with high-risk young people – who are my most favorite youth to work with.

So what to do… Do I keep doing what I’ve been doing and hope for some change at some point? Or do I begin to draw back and put my efforts into another young lady who needs care and support and is willing to make changes?

For now, it’s take each day as it comes. Make choices that protect my own sanity and self-care and yet do what I can to love extravagantly I suppose. To continue to wade through the murky grey area that is ‘when personal and professional values collide or overlap’ and to make the best choices I can in light of both.

Question: Have you ever been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments below.

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How To Create Memories For Your Youth Work Supporters

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Youth work memories
Which of your youth work supporters, helpers and stakeholders can you build memories with?

We’re great at planning memorable experiences for youth.

  • A trip to remember in the wilds of South America.
  • A one-to-one mentoring session to their first ever movie theater experience.
  • An evening at a fancy restaurant or an intimate dinner party for your small group.
  • A scavenger hunt to end all scavenger hunts.
  • Volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen.

The list goes on and on.

But how often do you invite others – particularly other stakeholders who might be advocates (or even potential donors!) for your youth work – to join you?

I know that for me it’s often my colleagues, my volunteers and me with my young people. You can create lasting memories for people who might become your biggest community champions by inviting them to join in when appropriate / possible.

Stakeholders

Possible stakeholders to include are:

  • Your organization’s management team, directors and / or board members
  • Parents
  • Donors and fundraisers
  • Community leaders
  • Law enforcement officers
  • School officials
  • Business owners
  • And many, many more!

Stakeholders don’t have to be limited to those with the money or influence in your youth work. You can also invite those who support your work but receive little praise, yet their selfless dedication to your young people clearly means they support what you do.

Our Dinner Party

I recently had the opportunity to invite my group’s van driver to join us for a dinner party. At first she hadn’t planned to come inside, but with high temperatures and a short drop off / pick up time she decided to come along.

She had such a great time.

She loved seeing the young people using their manners, enjoying their dinner and teaching them skills she had long ago taught her own (now grown) children. She said at least four times how much she appreciated what we did for the youth and how grateful she was to be a part of it. She commented a few times about how she was going to write about her adventure on her blog. She was genuinely really excited to see the program from the inside and to get to interact with the youth.

And all it took to make her feel like a part of the program was an invitation – and now we have an even bigger community advocate and volunteer.

Other Stakeholders

Here are some examples of people to consider inviting along as a thank you, or as a chance for them to really see what you do:

  • Bus or van drivers
  • Catering or hospitality team members
  • Janitorial staff
  • Sunday school teachers or elders
  • That person who comes and unlocks the center each week
  • The people within the neighboring organizations, businesses or houses that are right next to your center
  • Funding team members who actually apply for your grants and therefore fund your programs

Question: How do you include stakeholders and other community members in your youth programming? How could you invite them to share lasting memories with your youth? We’d love to hear your ideas in the comments below.

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Image courtesy of Welsh Mackem, Flickr

 

When Should You Cancel Youth Group Activities?

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One of my least favorite jobs as a youth worker is being the one to ‘call’ the trip. I hate having to decide that we can’t go to the water park, can’t ride on the coasters, can’t do the game, can’t hold the meeting and much more. I’m sure you’re reading this and completely agreeing with me. (Let’s be honest – the fun reasons above are sometimes what makes all the exhaustion worth it!)

I had to cancel a group recently while it was still 95 degrees and sunny on the weather forecaster’s ‘promise’ that a huge storm was about to hit the east coast.

I had to make the call.

Will the weather be so bad in 2 hours that I cancel it now? I had to make a decision then so that a worker didn’t come across the bridges and tunnels, so I didn’t get flooded and stuck in a different part of town, the youth didn’t come out into the rain, lightning and high winds and to determine if I needed to get the key to the center.

Safety

Safety is always first. Even though disappointing youth is second on the list of things I hate… someone risking any kind of injury is first.

So I called it. No group.

1.5 hours before the group and it was still beautiful.

1 hour before the group and it was still beautiful. OK, I’m really starting to have some guilt now.

45 minutes before the group and it was still beautiful, sun was shining, breeze was warm….  gulp.

30 minutes before the group… the sun is shining… the beautiful breeze is picking up speed… at this point I’m hoping for a storm just to justify my decision. (I know, very rational and safety minded!)

In those 10 minutes the wind whipped up and the clouds blackened out of nowhere.

20 minutes before group and this was the weather:

storm

Crisis averted.

I made the right call this time.

I’ve also had it happen where I chose to drive through the pounding rain to get to the water park in the hope that it would clear up as promised by the weatherman (and thankfully it did!) I’ve also just about frozen some youth to death trying to paint an elderly person’s house in cool, cloudy weather. It wasn’t raining, but it really wanted to be and my youth were practically popsicles after a few hours.

Do Your Best

It’s all about doing the best you can. You’re not always going to get it right. Sometimes you throw the Hail Mary and the weather doesn’t cooperate and you have to turn around and go home.

All you can do is a physical or mental risk assessment.

For me, the danger to myself, my volunteers and my youth was too great to risk it. Yeah, I might have looked like an idiot if the weather had stalled for just one more hour.

But at the end of the day, I have to answer these questions when considering the cancellation of a group activity:

1. What’s the worst that could happen?

2. Am I willing to allow that to happen if it’s in my power to avoid it?

3. Will I be able to sleep tonight (or live with myself later) if the worst were to happen simply because I didn’t want to see sad faces or wanted to be the cool youth worker?

Personally, I can live with disappointment, as can my youth – even though they don’t think they can. But can I live with the consequences associated with high winds, freezing or high temperatures, lightning, broken tree branches, flying debris, power outages or having volunteers driving through poor conditions? How about you?

Question: When have you had to cancel a trip, outing or activity? What happened? Was it a flop or the best choice you made?

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Would You Rather… Get Punched In The Face Or Save It?

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Image courtesy of A Ninja Monkey, Flickr
Image courtesy of A Ninja Monkey, Flickr

As you know, we’ve started a new series on Wednesdays providing ‘Would You Rather’ questions for youth. Well, I thought I’d provide you with your own special version today:

Would you rather advocate for a youth and get a punch in the face (probably from their parent) or ignore it and save yourself the grief?

Yes, yes, I know there are probably more than these two options for this situation but it seriously doesn’t feel like it most of the time.

So – which would you choose?

My choice

More often than I care to admit I choose the latter. Like Wednesday.

Walking out after Girl Scouts, a small child (I mean definitely under 5 and probably around 3) was wandering away from his mom. Her aggressive and LOUD response?

‘Get the F*** over here!’

I hate it when that kind of language is used towards anyone – especially a youth or child – and it sends me through the roof. (BTW: I’m not perfect; I might have been known to drop the f-bomb myself on occasion, although usually about things or situations and definitely not at people.)

Options

What should you do? What should you say? I could have walked over and said ‘Hey, that’s not nice’, but with several angry and loud women around, I would more likely have been inviting trouble.

In the communities that I work in, I also have a very careful line that I have to walk. I work very hard not to be a ‘social worker-y type’ in a neighborhood where authority is often white and often oppressive. That doesn’t mean I let things slide, but the families in those communities know I love and respect them – I don’t just go around picking fights and reporting people. It’s what allows me to keep doing my work there without problem or incident.

Then you get into the whole ‘who’s raising this child’ discussion. Many parents would say ‘This is my child and I’ll do as I please.’ What can be your answer to that? And what if I got it wrong (even though I’m 99% sure I didn’t) and this was a one-off, an accident born of a day of crazy 3 year old behavior?

I know in this instance we’re talking about a small child, but I know that you (like me) have heard parents talk like this to their children in the store, at the mall, on the street, from their car, in their yard and the age ranges from very small to teens. I regularly hear my youth called worthless, stupid, lazy, ‘bad’ (oh ‘bad’ is one of my worst ones! They aren’t bad, they just don’t always make good choices!!), and much more. I hear them get sworn at and even see them get a wallop on occasion.

What I try to do

For me it’s a tough one. Here’s what I do:

  • If I hear youth or children talk like that to each other (which happens um, yeah… every day actually), then I say something to them.
  • If I see a child or youth misbehaving in a store and they’re not being dealt with by the adult with them, I’ll whisper to them, give them “the look” or make a joke so they know I’m watching. (I walked into a center the other day where a boy was shouting at the top of his lungs and was being ignored by the staff – I just looked his way and he was silent and then he smiled at me and I smiled at him and he was quiet).
  • If I see an adult disciplining a child or teen in a way that I think is harsh, I tend to hang around; most parents stop acting completely crazy when they see another adult around.
  • If necessary, I’ll call the non-emergency police number, but that’s pretty rare.

And sometimes, like Wednesday, I get in my car and drive off feeling the sting of shame for not standing up for my little friend.

Question: What would you rather do? Let us know in the comments below.

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Youth Bullying – An Epidemic Or Expected?

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BullyingBullying.

We hear about it everywhere. On the news. In the classroom. At youth clubs. On the streets. In the papers (what’s left of them anyway).

There are anti-bullying posters, campaigns, safe spaces, classes, courses, bracelets, shirts, petitions and much more.

But is it a real problem or a manufactured one? Are kids ‘just being kids’ or is there something more to it all?

The US government thinks it’s a problem – Stopbullying.gov has provided its first infographic on bullying in the US:

 

what-you-need-to-know-infographic

What is bullying?

Bullying is the ongoing targeting of another person with the intention of causing physical, mental or emotional harm.

The key word is ‘ongoing.’ It’s about someone being the target over and over again. Unfortunately, youth will say things that aren’t very nice and make fun of one another, but it’s when this goes on and on, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, that it’s considered bullying. It can happen at school, home, in the neighborhood, via text message or online. It can be name calling, threatening, blaming, ostracizing, ignoring, spreading rumors and much more.

For me, one of the big issues with ‘bullying’ today is that many of our young people seem to have a complete inability to be empathetic. It’s something that’s either taught or it’s not. You can’t just ‘hope’ that a child will learn empathy. It goes against our nature – which is generally self-focused – to think about how our words or actions might affect someone else.

Parents bullying?

And then, what do you do when it isn’t just youth who are bullying, but their parents as well. I worked at a program in the UK where there were one or two teens who were identified as ‘the problem‘. They were ‘the bullies.’

Except, when you stood outside the situation and considered all the angles, there was one boy in particular who was being targeted. Targeted for punishment, exclusion, blame and much more. The youth all identified this one boy as ‘the bully’ and yet from where I was standing, he was the target. He was being repeatedly excluded, ignored, identified as the troublemaker and was the reason many families considered removing their own youth from the program. What do you do then? Do you call the parents out as bullies?

I would say bullying is a problem, but not always in the way we identify or expect. Make sure that as you reflect on your practice, that in the process of rooting out troubling, exclusionary behavior, you’re not ostracizing any other youth in the process.

If you’re having a problem with bullying in your group, or could see one developing, you might consider trying some bridge-building activities.

Questions: Do you think bullying is real or a manufactured idea by the overly sensitive among us? What do you do to ensure that all the youth in your program are safe? How do you deal with parent bullies? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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