Boundaries - Youth Workin' It

What Do You Mean You’re Not My Friend?!

May 10, 2013 By Shae Pepper Leave a Comment

Youth work boundaries — Image courtesy of ank0ku, Flickr

I had the opportunity yesterday to crush the hearts of a group of ten year olds. As awkward as it was, it had to be done.

It went like this:

Me: In your relationships with each other (to a group of boys who were having some ‘relational issues’)…

Boys: *Giggle*

Me: Not like a boyfriend/boyfriend relationship – all people are in relationships whether they are friendships, love or family. For example, you and I are in a relationship.

Youth: Yeah, you’re our friend. Why can’t you just call it a ‘friendship’ – relationship sounds so weird.

Me: No. I’m not your friend.

Youth: o_O *insert cricket sounds here*

Me: I am friendly towards you, that’s not the same. We are in a professional relationship. I am your youth worker. I am friendly towards you like a friend, I teach you like a teacher, I might offer advice like a parent, I might offer advice like a counselor. And we can talk and trust each other with things. But we are not friends. I have my friends, who are nearer my age – who I tell things to that I don’t tell you. And you have friends who are your age – who you tell things to that you don’t tell me… am I right?

Youth: *Grumbles/Giggles* and variations on ‘well, yeah, I guess so….’

Youth Worker vs Friend

Do your youth know you’re not their friend?

If not, why? Do you see yourself as their friend… are they yours?

If you aren’t 100% sure about the answers to those questions consider this one: How do you define youth work?

Through my training and experience I believe youth work to be an important relationship in the life of a youth. But it is a blend. And it’s all about getting that blend right.

You need to be friendly without being their friend. You can call them up for a chat on how their week is going (consider phone boundaries and social media boundaries though), but it shouldn’t be reciprocal. They shouldn’t know all about how your week is going by the end. They don’t need to know all your ups and downs. Do I share when I’m tired or have a lot going on? Yes. Do I go into all the sordid gory details? No.

Youth Worker vs Teacher

You need to teach without being a formal teacher. You have so much wisdom to impart. That’s one of the reasons you’re in this role. Whether it’s about matters of faith, life, parents, love, sex, feelings or just how to use the post office, you have life skills and information that needs to be taught.

That doesn’t mean that you need to operate like a teacher. Sit down. Be quiet. Raise your hand. Sit up straight. Hood off. I know what’s right and I’m here to make sure you leave with it memorized.

Youth worker relationships are less formal. You can have a dialogue; in fact, I encourage it. Help your youth develop the skills they need to think for themselves. Don’t just teach at them, engage with them. Be honest about your own questions, struggles and issues (within reason) and help youth muddle through the sticky and complicated journey we call life.

Youth Worker vs Parent

You need to advise without being a parent. You are not their parents. They have those (usually). You don’t need to toe the party line with their parents if there’s something you disagree with, but you should encourage them to voice their disagreements respectfully.

Help them learn how to engage with adults in reasoned conversation (see point #2) and how to figure out their own views. Whether you’re coming from a faith perspective or not, it behooves them to act honorably and respectfully with their parents, even through disagreements.

You also don’t need to nag them like a parent sometimes can. And keep their trust. Unless there are clear expectations laid out that you will share things with their parents, you are not a spouse to their parent. You don’t need to share their personal issues just because mom or dad ask. Encourage parents and youth to talk to each other and offer to help with mediation. But remember your role.

Youth Worker vs Therapist

You need to listen without being a therapist. You are a mentor in their life – a role model. They’re going to ask your advice from time to time (or every time they see you because, lets face it, they trust you and you’re probably cool), but you need to know when to give advice and when to help them get further help.

Unless you’re a trained counselor, don’t go beyond your training, expertise or scope. Some issues need further help and support – especially in areas of abuse. It’s great that youth feel safe enough to disclose to you, but make sure you’re ready to hand that part of their care on to another professional, while still being there for them in all the other ways that you always have been.

Youth work is a great profession which can often have a complex professional relationship between worker and youth. Know who you are. Know what you do. Know why you do it. And make sure those expectations and boundaries are clear to your youth.

Question: How do you define youth work? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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How To Put In Place A Child Protection System For Your Organization

October 17, 2012 By Stephen Pepper Leave a Comment

It’s always been important to have a child protection system put in place at your organization, whether you’re a youth worker in a church, school, non-profit or anywhere else.

This has taken on even more importance recently, following the high profile cases of Jerry Sandusky in the US and Jimmy Savile in the UK.

This week’s Best Of Youth Workin’ It therefore looks at ways that you can put in place a child protection system for the safety of your young people, as well as for the protection of yourself and your volunteers.

1. Adult To Youth Ratios – One of the basics of child protection is ensuring that you have adequate ratios of volunteers to young people. This post looks at what kind of ratios are best practice and provides three reasons why this is so important.

2. 4 Steps You Can Take To Promote Child Protection – This post has four important steps that you can put in place to make sure that the youth in your care are kept safe.

3. How To Handle Disclosures Of Abuse – Dealing with something as serious as child abuse can catch you off guard, so it’s vital to know in advance how to handle disclosures of this kind. This post looks at how to handle this situation, whether the abuse is alleged against one of your volunteers or someone completely unconnected with your youth programs (e.g. parents).

4. What Should I Do With A Volunteer Who Had A Relationship With A Young Person – Carrying on from the previous post, this gives more specific advice on how to deal with volunteers that have an inappropriate relationship with a young person.

5. You Gave Your Teens What?! – This was one of the earliest posts on the Youth Workin’ It blog and looks at one way of ensuring that you maintain appropriate boundaries with your youth.

6. Stop Giving Youth TMI – This post also looks at how to have appropriate boundaries with young people, particularly in this new era of social media where it’s easier than ever for lines to get blurred between professional and personal relationships.

Question: What tips do you have for putting in place a child protection system for your organization? We’d love to hear your advice in the comments below.

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What Should I Do With A Volunteer Who Had A Relationship With A Young Person?

September 25, 2012 By Stephen Pepper Leave a Comment

Q: Is it appropriate to sack (fire) a youth worker for a relationship with a youth in the group?

A: Why, yes. Yes it is.

Easiest Q & A ever! OK, so maybe not.

You may also want to consider these three things:

1. Laws – You need to research the local laws where you live. You might not only need to fire them, you may also need to call the police and/or social services. If you are a youth worker where there aren’t clearly defined laws about adult and youth/child relationships, you may want to become a champion or advocate for the safety of the young people in your city or country.

2. Organizational Rules – You’ll also need to know the child protection procedures in your organization, as they may have actions that need to be taken in addition to any local laws.

3. Demographics – Even if your worker is, say, 24 and the ‘youth’ in your college group is 19 so over the age of consent and therefore an adult, most organizations still have guidelines (written or unwritten, but clearly understood) that you don’t get involved with your ‘clients’.

This is of particular concern if those clients are considered at all vulnerable. That can be as obvious as having intellectual disabilities, but it can also be less obvious. For example, an incoming college freshman who doesn’t know anyone and is lonely is – in my opinion – vulnerable on some level.

While a rare exception may be made regarding suspension or probationary periods, most youth work organizations, agencies and governments have strict rules about getting involved with ‘youth’ and therefore you should fully expect to have to fire someone who is found to be in that situation.

Question: Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? What are your organization’s policies? Let us know in the comments below.

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How To Create A Youth Behavior Policy

May 9, 2012 By Shae Pepper Leave a Comment

Last week we discussed how to manage youth behavior and how a youth behavior policy can help with program administration. Creating a good behavior policy for your project is all about helping youth understand your expectations, acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and the consequences that will apply should the group agreement be broken.

Check out our guide below on how to create a youth behavior policy:

Set expectations from the start

This will create clear boundaries for youth to stay within. One way to do this is by having a written youth behavior policy that both young people and their parents review and sign. In our example provided at the end of this post, there is a space for both parent and youth signatures. When you create the group agreement, take the time to go over the youth behavior policy and make sure that all the young people involved in the project understand all parts of the policy.

Include positive expectations around participation. Outline exactly what is considered ‘participation’ within your project. Do youth just need to be present? Do they need to answer questions or participate in games? What does ‘participation’ look like for you?

Be specific when identifying both behaviors and consequences within the youth behavior policy

Let the youth know exactly what is going to happen should they break the team agreement. I’m a firm believer in being given an opportunity for a second chance. In my program administration, I work hard to provide clear boundaries and also opportunities for improvement, growth and change.

In the example youth behavior policy provided below, you will see there are reminders and warnings before action is taken in the case of most negative behaviors (with the exception of zero-tolerance behaviors which are also clearly outlined in the policy, along with their immediate consequence). I choose to give reminders and warnings for each specific type of negative behavior, rather than just having negative behavior accumulate rapidly resulting in a youth’s loss of attendance.

Below is an example of how this looks in practice; you might find it helpful to open the example document and read along in the ‘Behavior, Attitude and Consequences’ section.

For example, Jon has been swearing and I’ve given him a verbal reminder; he then calls someone a name. Rather than jumping to provide him with a verbal warning, I will provide him with a verbal reminder about that specific behavior. If he swears again, he will receive a warning for swearing. If he calls someone a name he will then receive a warning for name calling. He won’t receive vague threats about what might happen. I clearly remind him at every step what the next step will be. “Jon, I want to let you know that this is your final warning about swearing, if you swear again, you will receive a written warning and that will mean you won’t be able to attend the project next week, but you will be able to return the following week. Keep that in mind, ok?” Whatever the behavior is that results in Jon getting a written warning, it will be outlined in the letter provided to him and his parents. He won’t receive a vague letter about ‘negative behavior’ – it will clearly outline what he did incorrectly, what steps were taken before his written warning and the exact incident that resulted in him receiving the written warning.

A good youth behavior policy should enhance your youth work and program administration, not make it more challenging. It should help you be a more fair and consistent youth worker, while also providing clear boundaries for the youth on your programs.

Here is the example youth behavior policy referenced above. We hope that it provides a basis for creating your own behavior policy for your youth work.

Question: What items would you/do you include or exclude from your own youth behavior policy? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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Stop Giving Youth TMI

May 4, 2012 By Shae Pepper Leave a Comment

Youth Facebook friends boundaries — Don’t get burned with youth interactions on Facebook

Most modern youth workers would probably agree that social media is to youth work what fire was to mankind. It’s revolutionized how we interact with youth and allows us to keep in touch with them between youth work sessions like never before. You can see pictures of their weekly activities, who their friends are and share activities that are happening in your youth work programs.

But, just like fire provides light and heat and allowed Tom Hanks to cook crab, it can also burn you. It has benefits and dangers. Social media, particularly Facebook accounts, can provide all these great ways to connect with youth when you’re not seeing them; it can also be used to cross boundaries by providing TMI (Too Much Information).

I’m an advocate of boundaries within youth work. I think that a lot of youth workers have professional boundaries that govern their work and guide them in a safe and healthy relationship with the young people they serve. It’s safe for both youth and youth workers. It provides youth workers with some semblance of ‘life/work’ balance that’s so often missing from the lives of those in the caring professions (teachers, social workers, youth workers, pastors, etc).

Youth workers are not parents.

They are not teachers.

They are not counselors.

They are not friends.

At least not in the traditional sense. A youth worker can provide parental-style guidance. They can teach new skills. They can provide a listening ear. They can be friendly.

But ultimately, a youth worker is someone who’s a blend of all those roles and yet still not entirely any of them. They’re not the youth’s parent. They’re not responsible for making sure that ‘No Child is Left Behind’ through SOLs. They’re not (usually) trained to deal with deep psychological issues. They’re not a young person’s BFF – even if the youth sees them that way.

It’s this last point that often gets muddled in the world of social media and youth work. Recently, I read and commented on an article on Youthmin.org about pastors asking their youth pastors for their Facebook password. For the record, I do think that’s an invasion of privacy and a step too far for any employer.

But in the touchy-feely (no pun intended) world of church youth work, there’s often a blurring of the lines between relationships. Your pastor is also your friend. You see the same people at a pot-luck on Saturday night that you see at work on Monday. Relationships with young people are often more informal under the guise of ‘doing life together‘.

Just like I think it’s not a good idea to give out personal cell phone numbers to youth (a common practice in youth ministries), I think that your Facebook profile should not be available to the youth you’re currently working with.

In the comments of the Youthmin.org blog post, I shared my feelings that you should have a separate Facebook account for youth work and your personal one. I got a lot of feedback that this was not a good idea. Mainly because we should be above reproach as youth workers and therefore one account should be fine. One person even shared how this goes against Facebook’s terms of use (personally, I believe it’s actually a little more of a grey area which I’ll explain in a minute).

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about being above reproach. But I don’t think that means that youth need unrestricted access to every part of my life, my friendships, my bad days, my friends’ drama (which if they have ‘friends of friends’ as their settings, allows my friends to see as well), etc. Because at the end of the day, as I mentioned above: youth are not my friends. I might be the person they trust the most, but that doesn’t make them my friend. During our professional relationship the best way I can behave that’s above reproach is to keep our communication as that of a youth worker and young person, not BFF.

Facebook’s terms of use say that you can’t have more than one personal profile. I think that having a professional profile and a personal profile could be argued might not strictly violate their terms of use. However, it also says not to violate the ‘spirit of the terms’ in your actions. I’ll be honest, like most of us, I hadn’t really read their terms of use and so now having read them, I can’t in good conscience (and as someone who does aim to be transparent and above reproach in my work), suggest that you create a second profile.

However, you can create a group or a page and use that to interact with the youth in your group. To keep everything on the up and up, give administrator duties to more than one responsible adult within your organization. This way, you remain above reproach, are able to contact the youth during the week and interact with them, while keeping your personal profile for your personal life.

Once your working relationship has ended with a young person, it’s up to you to decide how appropriate it is to add youth to your personal profile. I have very few youth I’ve worked with on my personal profile and those that I do have are a) over 18, b) All of them I’m no longer their youth worker and in three special cases c) were foster youth that we had a uniquely different parental/professional relationship with. Use discretion to ensure that you’re not placing yourself in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with a youth that could be misconstrued by either the adults or the youth.

Question: Well, what do you think? Is it ok to allow youth (that are over Facebook’s required user age of 13) to be friends on your personal Facebook profile? Have your say in the comments below.

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