Relationships - Youth Workin' It

A Young Person Regrets Getting Married – What Should They Do?

May 14, 2013 By Shae Pepper Leave a Comment

Youth Marriage Divorce — Image courtesy of elizabethps, Flickr

This week’s Q & A question has a lot of potential for good discussion. We received an email with the following question:

Q: “Most youth start cohabiting, ignore grown ups and end up in unplanned marriage which later doesn’t work. What should the youth do once the mistake is done carry the cross or try to persuade and return home (which also raises the question how does the youth manage the return home)?” (I appreciated that this question came from one of our global readers and left the question as it was written.)

Basically, it seems to me that the question at hand is, if a youth is living with someone and gets married at a young age, should they stay in the marriage even if it’s not a good match, or should they leave and try to return home to their parents… and if so, how can they be supported in returning home after making mistakes and/or living on their own.

A: This is a really weighted question with several key points to think about.

Personal vs. Professional Values

As a youth worker, you’re in the position to give advice, support and guidance to young people. However, you also need to be aware of your own values, morals and standards and how those impact on your youth work. For some, personal and professional values cannot be separated and therefore they choose to work in environments in which they can have little or no conflict in their values. For others, it’s a constant struggle trying to align what you think is right in your personal life with what you believe is right as a youth worker to share or not.

Personally, you may view living together before marriage and/or divorce as wrong. Professionally, you need to decide, ‘Am I going to voice my strong dissent before a youth gets into what I consider to be a bad situation, or am I going to let them make their own choices? Then, either way, am I willing to support the youth through their decision?’

I believe the key is sharing your opinion and advice in a way that doesn’t railroad a youth into your point of view – emotive language is a very manipulative way to get a young person to see your point of view. Give them both sides of the argument and allow them to ask you ‘What do you think?’. That way, the door is open for you to be honest about your concerns and reservations in a way that still leaves your professional relationship open. This means that you can still offer support and advice in the future, no matter what decision the teen makes.

Two Wrongs Don’t Always Make A Right

I often feel this way when I hear phrases like ‘Well, she’s pregnant, now they need to the “right thing” and get married.’ The choices have been made, the surprise is on his/her way; how does locking two people into a legal – and for some, spiritual – contract help the situation become fixed?

How does one ‘forever decision’ (like marriage, getting pregnant, etc.) help fix another ‘forever decision’ (like having a baby, having sex for the first time, etc.)? It doesn’t.

Should a youth that got married at a young age be forced to remain in a marriage that is loveless, or worse, abusive simply because divorce is against your personal values as a youth worker? No.

But if you do believe that marriage is a ‘forever decision’ and therefore should be kept together at all costs, what can you do to support the young people in the marriage? Are caring adults working with them to help guide and support them? Have they tried – really tried – counseling? Are they fighting over financial problems; if so, can you help signpost them to the necessary supports to relieve that stress?

I’m not advocating divorce or marriage here; I’m asking in your situation, based on your personal and professional values and your relationship with the youth, what should you be doing? Should you be advocating for one thing or the other, or just providing information that can help the youth make a more informed decision about their options.

Additionally, what are the young person’s values on the subject? Simply because you don’t see marriage as a ‘forever decision’, doesn’t mean that they don’t and they may want your help to make their marriage work. Are you willing to help them work through their issues, even if you think getting married young is a huge mistake?

Support At Home

Should the youth return home? I guess that really depends on the home, the youth, the parents and the situation.

It can be hard moving home with family after a youth has been on their own, making their own decisions, running their own life and household. It would take a lot of love, grace and patience on everyone’s part to make moving home a good option after a young marriage (or even just a co-habitation relationship) has fallen apart.

This can be especially tricky if the parents were against the relationship from the start. Youth will need to be prepared for some feedback on their life choices. Not all families are willing to just forgive and forget. They will want to bring up and throw mistakes in the face of the youth again and again (based on their own hurt at having their great advice ignored in the first place). Usually all the feedback comes from a place of love, but it isn’t always expressed in the most loving way and could strain the relationship between the youth and parents.

Questions: What do you think should happen in this situation? Should youth be encouraged to stick out a marriage or other serious relationship and, if it doesn’t work out, should they go home? We’d love to hear your feedback in the comments below.

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What Are The Implications For At Risk Youth?

October 9, 2012 By Stephen Pepper Leave a Comment

Q: OK, so I work with at risk youth. What implications does this have and how should I deal with it?

A: Working with at risk youth will often have implications that aren’t always immediately obvious, but are important to bear in mind. For example:

Youth living in foster care or group homes – They will often have a hard time trusting people and forming close relationships, especially if they’ve moved homes numerous times. This can often lead to problems at school as they’ve had to change schools multiple times, meaning they fall behind on learning and don’t get to build lasting relationships with school friends
Abused youth – If you’re a youth pastor or volunteer youth worker in a church, young people who have been abused by their father may well have a hard time relating to God as a father
Youth from low-income families – They may have a hard time concentrating for no other reason than that they’re hungry. It might also mean they’re bullied due to not having nice clothing
Youth with learning difficulties – If your programs involve a lot of sitting around and reading, there’s a far higher likelihood that they will be disruptive. This isn’t because they’re naughty, but because they’re unable to fully participate. Try to be sensitive to this and take into account different learning styles
Youth with physical disabilities – Try to include games and activities that they can participate in, rather than them having to sit out while everyone else has fun

It’s therefore important to also know your organization’s policy on how to handle disclosures of abuse and steps you can take to promote child protection.

What are the longer term implications?

Sexually Transmitted Infections – Young people with high sexual activity are more susceptible to STIs
Unemployment – Youth who are at risk will often struggle at school for all manner of reasons. This can in turn lead to them finding it hard to get a job due to a lack of qualifications
Crime – If they’re unable to make a living, they may turn to crime to gain an income
Relationships – If a young person has had troubled relationships with their family – or no relationships at all if moving from foster home to foster home – it’s likely they’ll have trouble forming longer term relationships
Sexuality – LGBT youth are more likely to end up homeless than heterosexual young people and subsequently encounter further risks as a result of being homeless

Needless to say, we think it’s important to be aware of at risk youth and be sensitive to their needs. However, it’s also important to remember that just because they’re at risk, it doesn’t mean that there’s no hope for them. Therefore, be wary of labelling young people as this can result in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Question: What other implications are there for at risk youth? Please share your ideas in the comments below.

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What Does “At Risk Youth” Mean?

October 2, 2012 By Stephen Pepper Leave a Comment

Q: I’ve heard this term used about quite a lot of young people, but what does “at risk youth” mean?

A: At its most basic, it means youth who are at risk – surprising, huh?! But “at risk” of what?

There are many risk factors that can lead to hazards in young peoples’ lives:

Poverty
Abuse (physical, sexual, mental, etc)
Crime
Poor schools
Living in foster care, group homes, etc
Bullying
Disabilities
Unstable home life
Learning difficulties
Drugs
Alcohol
Mental health
Sexuality

In short, this could mean that pretty much all youth are – to some extent – at risk. Like risk assessments though, some young people will be in a far higher risk situation than others.

How are youth identified as being at risk?

All youth in their lives have both risk factors (such as those listed above) and protective factors. Having a higher number of risk factors and lower number of protective factors in their life are good indicators of whether they should be deemed an “at risk youth”.

Protective factors can include:

Stable home life
Encouraging parents
Scholastic ability
Good teachers
Safe neighborhood
Learning social skills
Being taught life skills
Healthy lifestyle
Good diet
Access to services

How can we tell if they’re at risk?

As youth workers, we should try to be aware of any youth in our programs who are at risk. Sometimes these young people will be easy to identify, particularly if you work with a group that are generally regarded as being in a higher risk situation, such as foster youth, young offenders or students in low-income areas.

It can therefore sometimes be harder for youth workers like youth pastors to know which of their young people are at risk. There are some signs though that could indicate that youth are in more hazardous living situations:

Highly sexualized behavior – Might indicate sexual abuse
Wearing same clothes / clothes don’t fit / clothes have holes – Might be living in poverty
Unwilling to read anything out – Might have learning difficulties (although could just be shyness)
Extremely aggressive – Might indicate abuse of some kind
Wears clothing that covers body, even in hot weather – Might suffer from physical abuse and so trying to cover bruises. This can also be a sign that they self-harm (covering up cuts/burns) or that they suffer from sexual abuse (don’t want to draw attention to their body)

Next week, we’ll look at some of the implications of working with at risk youth.

Question: Do you work with at risk youth? What advice would you give to other youth workers on how to deal with these situations? Please share your advice in the comments below.

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What Should I Do With A Volunteer Who Had A Relationship With A Young Person?

September 25, 2012 By Stephen Pepper Leave a Comment

Q: Is it appropriate to sack (fire) a youth worker for a relationship with a youth in the group?

A: Why, yes. Yes it is.

Easiest Q & A ever! OK, so maybe not.

You may also want to consider these three things:

1. Laws – You need to research the local laws where you live. You might not only need to fire them, you may also need to call the police and/or social services. If you are a youth worker where there aren’t clearly defined laws about adult and youth/child relationships, you may want to become a champion or advocate for the safety of the young people in your city or country.

2. Organizational Rules – You’ll also need to know the child protection procedures in your organization, as they may have actions that need to be taken in addition to any local laws.

3. Demographics – Even if your worker is, say, 24 and the ‘youth’ in your college group is 19 so over the age of consent and therefore an adult, most organizations still have guidelines (written or unwritten, but clearly understood) that you don’t get involved with your ‘clients’.

This is of particular concern if those clients are considered at all vulnerable. That can be as obvious as having intellectual disabilities, but it can also be less obvious. For example, an incoming college freshman who doesn’t know anyone and is lonely is – in my opinion – vulnerable on some level.

While a rare exception may be made regarding suspension or probationary periods, most youth work organizations, agencies and governments have strict rules about getting involved with ‘youth’ and therefore you should fully expect to have to fire someone who is found to be in that situation.

Question: Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? What are your organization’s policies? Let us know in the comments below.

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Media Literacy Activities For Young People

August 9, 2012 By Stephen Pepper Leave a Comment

Can your youth trust what they see on here?

“But Miss. Women like to be controlled by their men. It says so in that Mary J Blige song.”

This was an actual comment spoken to Shae at one of her groups this week. Ironically, it was while they were covering media literacy! We therefore thought that this week’s youth work session plan idea should provide some media literacy activities for young people.

What is media literacy?

Before you start running any of these activities, ask your young people “What is media literacy?” To help them define this, split the phrase into its two separate words and get them to define both “media” and “literacy”.

When defining media, get the youth to list all the different types of media they come across – music, TV, movies, newspapers, internet, magazines, billboards, adverts, video games, apps, etc.

Once they’ve defined what “literacy” is, get them to put the two definitions together so that they have a better understanding of the answer to “What is media literacy?”

Next, look at these different types of media and explore some of the messages that they communicate. Have the young people think critically about these messages:

Do they have some kind of bias?
What message are they sending?
Is their message true?
Why might this type of media not tell the truth about a situation?
Do you think they have any ulterior motives
Can you trust this type of media?

Media Literacy Activities – Music

There are all kinds of songs that you could use to explore media literacy. One example we thought might be useful is Poker Face by Lady Gaga, as you can use it to explore the issue of media literacy and sexuality due to the lyric:

And baby when it’s love if it’s not rough it isn’t fun

Ask your youth what message this lyric is sending about sex. Is it true? Go through the other questions listed above.

Media Literacy Activities – Internet

When Shae was doing a lesson on alcohol awareness this week, she told them that contrary to popular belief, alcohol doesn’t make you sleepy. One of the young people responded “That’s wrong – it does make you sleepy. Just check on the internet”.

Although we joke that “you can’t trust what’s on the internet”, to a large extent we do trust what’s on there. Here are a few ideas though of ways you can explore with your young people whether they can trust what’s on the internet:

Facebook status updates of friends
Twitter trends about celebrity deaths
Banner ads that say you’ve won a special prize
Blogs
Wikipedia

Media Literacy Activities – News

In theory, news can fall under all different types of media – internet, TV, newspapers, etc. – so this can be looked at from many different angles.

One suggestion for exploring this issue is using newspapers. Get copies of newspapers that provide a contrast to the political divide. For example, in the US you could use the Wall Street Journal for a right-wing outlook and the New York Time for a left-wing outlook. In the UK, you could use the Telegraph for right-wing and the Guardian for left-wing.

Find a story (preferably with a political slant) that’s reported in both newspapers. Have your young people identify what aspects of the story are the same in the papers and what aspects are different. Are opinions presented as facts? Is there emotive language used to make an argument to the readers?

To generate further conversation, ask your young people what killed Whitney Houston. Many of the early news reports stated that it was due to drug abuse, so this is what’s often believed. The coroner’s report though stated that although cocaine use was a contributing factor to her death, she died from accidental drowning. Ask your youth why news reports were so keen to suggest that her death was due to drug use rather than as an accident.

Media Literacy Activities – Advertising

There are so many examples that you could use with your youth, but here are a couple to get you started:

1) Nutella – There was recently a class action lawsuit against the makers of Nutella, as one of their adverts was deemed to have falsely given the impression that it was more healthy and nutritional than it actually is. I know, a chocolate spread with nuts in it isn’t healthy?! Here’s more about the story with a 2 & 1/2 minute video explaining what happened.

2) Smoking – Looking back, TV ads about smoking were ridiculous but at the time many people believed they were safe/had health benefits. Show the video below to your young people and see what they think about it. Can they think of any adverts nowadays that seem to espouse benefits that they think are untrue?

Media Literacy Activites – Movies

Again, there are all kinds of different movies that you could use to explore the messages that they send. Depending on the issues you’re working on with your young people though, this could be a good opportunity to address the issue of porn and how it affects their perception of sex and relationships.

Do they think porn movies accurately reflect relationships? If working with males, ask them if they think that women like to be treated the way that they are in porn.

Question: What media literacy activities would you run with young people? We’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments below.

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