Youth Workin' It

Consultancy and Resources for Youth Workers and Organizations Worldwide

Aggressive Parents – Youth Work Q & A

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Aggressive parents - youth workQ: I’m working with these aggressive parents who are just angry all the time. The way they speak and act towards me is getting worse. Is there anything I can do?

A: As with over-involved parents and unsupportive parents, there are probably a lot of factors influencing their behavior. You can’t really control how aggressive parents are going to act – you can only control how you respond. In this situation I recommend keeping them ‘on ICE‘.

Interact with them

Don’t ignore aggressive parents in the hope that they’ll magically disappear from your life. Try to meet with them and find out if their grievance is with you, your work, your organization, their youth or if it’s just other external factors that have nothing to do with you. If it’s within your realm of change, then make your best effort to accommodate reasonable requests by them.

You don’t have to bend to the every whim of aggressive parents. Listen with an open mind to any feedback they provide. Work to keep them focused on the issue at hand – try to avoid having them digress into unproductive griping. Repeat back to them what you’ve heard.

Give clear expectations about what you’re going to do with that information. Will you be talking with your supervisor? Reviewing the program? Taking it to your volunteers for their feedback? Whatever it is, be realistic and honest about what you plan to do.

If you plan to update them at a certain time in the future, make sure you set up a reminder to follow through with this. That will ensure that they don’t have another reason to be angry further down the line because you didn’t do something you said you’d do.

Calm

Keep calm and relaxed around aggressive parents. It can be really challenging, but speaking kindly can do a world of good when dealing with angry parents. Don’t be patronizing, but do relax your voice and body language when you’re around them.

Be aware that you might get wound up, so make choices that will improve the situation, particularly if they’re escalating. Take a step back. Ask for some time to process what they’re saying (this will give them time to calm down). Do something physical to use the adrenaline that’s pumping through your body, causing your own heart rate and blood pressure to rise.

Expect change

Anticipate a better relationship and do what you can to improve the dialogue between you and angry or aggressive parents. Often times we can be our own worst enemy. We think that a person is going to act a certain way or say something we don’t like. This can result in us being defensive from the outset. They interpret this as you being the angry one and respond in kind.

Instead, treat them with respect and professional courtesy every time that you see them. It may take a long time for your relationship to improve (keeping in mind that it may not change at all), but your attitude may at least help you cope with the relationship more effectively.

Many times we excuse a lot of behavior in a youth that we have no tolerance for with adults (I am soooo guilty of this). However, it’s worth remembering (Shae) that sometimes adults haven’t learned the skills they should have as a young person. That may be why you’re now working with their child – they can’t teach what they don’t know.

Be patient and act professionally with aggressive parents. Talk over frustrating conversations and situations with your workplace supervisor or line manager to find solutions that work for you.

Q: How do you deal with angry or aggressive parents? Please let us know in the comments below.

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Over-involved Parents – Youth Work Q & A

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Over-involved ParentsQ: I have this parent who’s way too involved in my youth work. I like that they’re supportive, but enough is enough! They stop by unannounced, want to be at every event and seem kind of co-dependent with their youth – it’s like they can’t be apart from them. I want supportive parents and appreciate the help they provide at some of my programs, but seriously – it’s time to “cut the apron strings.” But I can’t tell them this, so what can I do?!

A: Just like unsupportive parents, there is most likely a reason for over-involved parents or ones who are too supportive. Here are some possible reasons:

  1. Their parents weren’t supportive of them and they’ve vowed to do things differently with their own teen
  2. They had over-supportive parents themselves and they haven’t had anything different modeled for them – it’s all they know
  3. They might be freaking out that their youth is becoming older and more independent, so are concerned that their child might not be ready for it. They therefore over-compensate to feel involved and/or needed in the life of their youth
  4. You may be new, so they feel anxious about the change in leadership

There are many possibilities – too many to name really – because each parent is going to have their own unique life experience on which to base their behavior towards their youth.

Some dos and don’ts when dealing with over-involved parents:

Do find out if it bothers the youth – It may be bothering you because you’re outside the situation and have a wider view of the dynamics between parent and child, but that doesn’t mean that it’s bothering the teen. Some youth like how close they are to their parents, they might not be as independent as their peers or they may enjoy having their parents around to do things for and/or with them.

Don’t frame it as a negative and bash their mom or dad – i.e. Don’t say ‘So your mom/dad is always here, don’t they give you any space?’ You can find out this information in a non-threatening, positive way by putting your questions to them as a positive and gauging their response. Something like ‘You’re really fortunate your mom/dad cares so much about you and supports your interests and activities’. You will be able to tell how they feel about their parents’ involvement by their response.

If it doesn’t bother the youth…

Do ask yourself why it’s bothering you – Check your own feelings and attitudes first about their over-involved parents, rather than project those onto their teen. Are they genuinely interfering in your programs? If so, consider having a word with them directly or with your supervisor.

Don’t miss opportunities to have extra help just because you feel they are over-involved – If they’re not interfering with your programs, are simply more involved then other parents and it’s not bothering their child, find ways to involve them so they can give their support in a more constructive way that’s helpful for you.

If it does bother the youth…

Do encourage them to talk to their parents directly – You can offer to facilitate the conversation if you think it’s necessary. You can practice ways to approach the subject so the youth feels prepared and the parents don’t end up with hurt feelings.

Don’t join them in complaining about their parents – As I mentioned above, be supportive of the relationship between the youth and their parent, even if it isn’t an ideal situation. Find ways to be positive about their over-involved parents. This is especially important if you don’t feel their parent is over-involved, but the youth does. Help them empathize with the feelings their mom or dad may be having. Identify the positive aspects of so much love, care and attention from their parents.

Some parents are just going to be over-involved. They’re going to ask a million questions, be the first to pick up their child and the last one waving the bus goodbye for that youth retreat. They’re going to drop in unannounced, want to have meetings with you about their child and call or stop by to talk with you regularly.

You can try to manage some of the behaviors of over-involved parents in the following ways:

  1. Have clear boundaries – Let them expect when you will and won’t be able to talk either on the phone or in person. Encourage them to set appointments to discuss things with you.
  2. Be prepared – Have your permission slips, information sheets, photo release forms and other documents and plans in place before telling youth and their parents about an event or program.
  3. Build relationships – Spend time getting to know the parent(s) and address their concerns as often as is appropriate. Plan parent/youth outings so they can be involved occasionally, without feeling the need to be a constant presence.
  4. Teach them your skills – Consider offering parent and teen communication programs that will help improve the communication between parents and youth. Sometimes you’ll have over-involved parents because they feel like they don’t know anything about what their youth is doing. By practicing some communication skills, they may feel more in touch with the emotions and actions of their teen, so will be better equipped to give their youth the independence they need.
  5. Sign ’em up – If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Get over-involved parents signed up as volunteers. If they’re going to be there anyway, you might want to give them some volunteer training and have them support your programs. If their child doesn’t want them to be involved, you can propose they get involved in other groups, programs or projects that support your youth work but aren’t directly working with their own youth.

Using these dos and don’ts and trying out these tips, you can help over-involved parents become a more appropriately supportive parent and committed volunteer for your youth programs.

Question: How do you deal with over-involved parents? Let us know in the comments below.

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Youth Work Q & A: Unsupportive Parents Part 2

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Dealing with unsupportive parents - youth workQ: I have these parents who are always really hard on their teen. They won’t bring them to my program, it’s like pulling teeth to get permission slips signed and the teen tells me their parents don’t even want to hear about what they’re learning during the project. What can I do?

A: Last week we talked about parents who are unsupportive of your work as a youth worker. You’re an adult, you should be able to handle the criticism or disinterest in a professional manner. However, it probably bothers you a lot more when you have parents who are unsupportive of their own child.

What can you do when it’s a family dynamic? They aren’t your child. You’re just the worker. Maybe the parent has even said this to you when you expressed concerns to them about the youth. It won’t be easy and it may still not solve the problem, but here are three things you can try:

1) Encourage the youth to speak directly to their parents and offer to facilitate the discussion

Sometimes they don’t realize they’re being unsupportive. Parents need to hear it from their youth, but circumstances or previous experiences may hinder the youth from speaking to their parents openly. By offering to facilitate a discussion you provide the youth with the support they need, while allowing the unsupportive parents to hear directly from the youth, rather than from you or not at all.

2) Offer parent and youth programming

Schedule a father/son paintball excursion or a mother/daughter skating night. Find ways to engage parents and their youth in activities that foster relationship-building. This will provide more relational capital for the youth and their parents, providing the opportunity for open dialogue and a more supportive relationship.

3) Offer additional support to the young person

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about unsupportive parents. Maybe they have their own hang ups, time constraints or several other children that require support as well. You can still provide a supportive role to the youth in your care. You won’t replace their parents, but you can give them the time and attention they need at this important time in their life. If you can’t, work to find a mentor who can be there for the youth in your programs that need a supportive adult around.

 

At the end of the day, you can only do what you can do when parents of your young people are unsupportive. Parents are adults (even if they don’t always act like it) and as such deserve your professional courtesy. If there aren’t any child protection issues like verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse or neglect, you don’t have a lot of support from the law. But you can use your professional position to support that young person to the fullest and help affect some change in their life, despite their unsupportive parents.

Question: How have you deal with parents who were unsupportive of their children? Please let us know in the comments below.

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Youth Group Retreats – When To Hold Them

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Youth Group RetreatsOK, so you’ve decided that you want to plan a youth group retreat – the next question is when to plan it for.

Where possible, we think you should start planning 9-12 months before youth group retreats. You can find out the reasons why in our book – How To Plan A Youth Retreat.

However, we know this isn’t always realistic. Here are five factors that will influence what date to set when planning a youth retreat:

1) Time Of Year

Will the time of year affect your youth retreat planning? If you want to run a retreat at the beach, the summer is the obvious time to do this. If planning a youth retreat in the mountains, the winter might make more sense (providing you want it to be snowy).

If you have a lot of seniors in your youth group, retreats just before their exams might not be a great idea as they’ll probably need to spend the time cramming for them. Then again, youth group retreats can provide an opportunity to clear their heads and help with stress management.

2) Youth Retreat Budget

In the cases mentioned above, planning a youth retreat at the beach in the summer, or the mountains in winter, will greatly increase the cost. This is because you’ll be booking at peak season for the youth retreat centers.

If you have money in the youth retreat budget for that, it’s not an issue. If you’re trying to keep the cost of the retreat down though, consider booking off-peak. The weather in the Outer Banks in May obviously wouldn’t be as nice as in August, but a retreat there pre-summer would be less expensive. Likewise, mountains can look just as beautiful without snow as with it.

3) Youth Retreat Themes

What you pick as your youth retreat theme(s) can also have an effect on what time of year to plan a youth retreat for. A theme about Easter or Christmas will, needless to say, work best at youth group retreats around those times. A theme about school may work best at the end of the summer break, so that what the youth learn will be fresh in their minds when back at school.

4) Parents

Be sensitive to the needs of your young people’s parents, especially regarding finances. A spring youth retreat might not be a bad idea, but requiring payment in January could mean parents find it hard to afford so soon after Christmas.

5) Volunteers

Also be aware of the needs of anyone helping at the youth retreat. If your retreat is going to be held over a weekend, it would probably prove to be less of an issue for the volunteers of your youth group. Retreats over the course of a week (or longer) would probably mean they’d have to take time off work though. Therefore, discuss with your volunteers what times of year they’d be available to help on a retreat for your youth group.

 

Retreats require a lot of extra planning, so take into account these different factors when deciding on what time of year to hold a youth retreat. This will help with your youth retreat budget, make the youth retreat themes and content more applicable to youth and also improve relationships with parents and volunteers.

We hope you’ve found this post useful. If so, we have many more posts giving youth retreat ideas as well as our book – How To Plan A Youth Retreat.

Question: What time of year do you prefer to hold youth group retreats? Let us know in the comments below.

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Dealing With Unsupportive Parents – 4 Tips For Youth Workers

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Dealing with unsupportive parents
Some relationships need a lot more ‘scaffolding’ to make them work than others…

Q: I have this one parent that’s driving me crazy! They’re completely unsupportive of the work I’m trying to do with their teen. Is there anything I can do to change that?

A note before answering: when doing youth work, you’re almost always working with their parents or family on some level as well. I’ve actually had this question, and others like it, come up a lot. Therefore, we’re going to do a series answering your parent-related questions over the coming Tuesdays.

We’re going to explore what to do with:

If you have any questions about dealing with parents, put them in the comments below, ask them on Facebook or Twitter or contact us directly and we’ll add a few more posts to the series.

A: My first thought is: ‘Just one unsupportive parent!?’ (kidding moms and dads, just kidding) When doing youth work, you’ll have families from all kinds of different backgrounds and experiences joining your program. As a result, you’re bound to work well with some and find others challenging to deal with.

This feeling goes both ways – parents and carers may have had experiences (both good and bad) with previous youth workers that have caused them to appear (or sometimes actually be) unsupportive of your youth work.

Here are a few steps you can take to win them over to your side, or at the very least, make every to effort build bridges and gain understanding.

1. Keep your ducks in a row

Make sure that the things you are in control of are sorted out. Maybe a parent feels unsupportive of your youth work because they think you’re young, inexperienced and/or unprofessional. This may be true, or it could be a false assumption they’ve made based on those previous experiences we mentioned earlier.

Get permission slips out early, drop off youth on time after events and be prepared to answer their questions, even the unreasonable ones. While there are some people who will find fault no matter what you do, take away as many of their issues or objections as you can, then…

2. Attempt to build relationships anyway

Don’t just shun the unsupportive parents. Take the time to get to know them, ask to meet with them and find out how they’re feeling about their child’s participation in your youth work program.

Don’t be afraid of a little criticism, even if it’s not in the ‘positive, critique, positive’ sandwich format that we all love. Take the time to understand their concerns or objections to your work, and make the effort to address reasonable issues. If you’re still finding the parents unsupportive, then…

3. Discuss the issue with your supervisor

Whether you have a workplace supervisor/mentor or you just have sessions with your boss, take some time to talk over the challenges you’re facing with the unsupportive parents. If they’re someone who has also been in your role or in the caring professions (a pastor, social worker or just as a people manager), they’ll have experience they can share about handling challenging and unsupportive people. Even if none of these first three steps work…

4. Don’t give up on the youth

Just because they have unsupportive parents, it doesn’t mean the young person doesn’t need your youth work program or relationship. Their parents may also be unsupportive of them (more on this next week) and they need their relationship with you.

No matter how challenging it can be to work with unsupportive parents, it’s not the parent you’re here to please – it’s the youth that you’re trying to support and empower. So do what you can to build a relationship with their parents and then focus on what’s most important in your work – the youth.

I’m not saying that you should write off anyone who is hard to deal with or comply with every request they make if it’s not in the best interests of your youth work. You just need to find the balance in your professionalism. We’re all going to have those parents, colleagues and volunteers who are unsupportive at one time or another. Do the best you can to follow the steps above and keep the youth being your primary focus.

Next week, we’ll look at how to deal with unsupportive parents of your youth, rather than of your youth work.

Question: What advice do you have for dealing with unsupportive parents of your youth work? Let us know in the comments below.

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